Turnabout Suffering
by Cake Mage
Summary: A workplace accident lands Jessica in the hospital, and her week just gets worse from there. Set shortly after the beginning of S2. Eventual SxJ if I can ever be arsed to finish it.
1. The Pain Begins

Jessica Devlin whimpered softly and shifted her weight in a futile attempt to ease her current discomfort. She immediately regretted this course of action as sharp pains shot up through her spine and into her neck. She moaned and wondered if the pain medication would ever kick in.

'At least I'm back in my own bed,' she mused.

***

Things had begun to go wrong almost as soon as she sat down at her desk the previous Monday. The younger members of the HPCU were in the process of going through old case files and relocating them to the basement storage facilities while the two senior members supervised and occasionally gave tips.

"Remember, lift from the knees, Danny!" Stark called out helpfully from the comfort of his office.

Danny, who had been right behind Jessica at the time, gave a disgruntled snort and hefted the large box he was holding even higher before continuing on his way, not noticing the stack of files in his path. As would be expected, seconds later he tripped over them and fell forward. Luckily for him, both he and the box landed on something soft. Unfortunately for Jessica, that soft landing happened to be her. The edge of the box slammed into her right shoulder, eliciting a strangled yelp from her. Time seemed to slow down as the full weight of Danny and his burden settled forcefully on top of Jessica's back, which in turn caused her upper body to settle forcefully against the top of her desk. There was a sickening crunch and the room went still.

The silence was finally broken by a muffled "Kk…kk…" sounds coming from the stricken woman, her fingers twitching slightly.

Within seconds she was surrounded by her coworkers. A visibly shaken Danny slid gracelessly and, fortunately for him, unnoticed, onto the floor.

Jessica ignored the small crowd of worried faces around her and tried to push her upper body off the desk with one arm.

"'M fine," she muttered unconvincingly. "I-" she was cut off unexpectedly when her hand slipped in the small pool of blood on her desk and she found herself right back where she started.

The world did not instantly go black. It would have been better if it had. Instead, everything around her blurred and began spinning around nauseously. She was vaguely aware of someone shouting, but she couldn't make sense of anything that was being said.

'Well, it's not my problem,' she thought hazily as she slipped into blessed unconsciousness.

Some time later she opened her eyes and dimly realized that she was in an ambulance.

"What-" she began, but stopped when someone placed a comforting hand on her forehead.

"It's all right, Jess. We'll be at the hospital soon and they'll pump you full of morphine," said the owner of the hand, whom she vaguely recognized as Sebastian Stark.

Since Jessica currently felt as though she'd been run over by a semi which had then backed up and run over her again just to be sure, morphine sounded pretty nice. She closed her eyes again and let the paramedics work their magic without protest. Not once did she think to question why Sebastian of all people had been allowed to ride with her to the hospital, though this was mainly because the intense pain throughout her upper body was taking up most of her attention.

When the remainder of the HPCU arrived at the hospital later that afternoon, they found Sebastian lounging in a chair in the waiting room.

"How is she?" Raina asked worriedly.

"Dislocated shoulder, ripped muscle, cracked ribs, broken nose, bruised jaw and two massive shiners," Sebastian recited automatically. "I can tell she's feeling better, though, because she's made two nurses cry already."

"That's our Jess," Madeleine said approvingly.

"When can we go see her?" asked Raina.

Sebastian shrugged. "The doctor just went in to talk to her, so it's probably best to wait for a while _after_ he comes out before anyone else goes in."

"Huh?" Danny cocked his head to the side in confusion.

"It's just that I doubt they're going to let her go home any time this week, and I can't see her being too happy about that. She _will_ be looking for a target at which to unleash her rage, and that's _not_ going to be me this time," he replied.

As if on cue, a beefy male nurse hurried past, choking back sobs and trying to discreetly wipe tears from his face. Shortly thereafter he was followed by a tall, elderly and currently very shell-shocked doctor mumbling Nietzsche quotes under his breath.

"Three," Sebastian muttered absentmindedly.

His coworkers stared at the small procession in mute horror.

Madeleine was the first to speak up. "Maybe we should go in one at a time to start with. Danny, why don't you go in first, since you're the one who fell on her?" she suggested helpfully.

Danny opened his mouth to protest, but Sebastian cut him off. "We can't send Danny in; we just got him. I haven't even had the chance to break him in properly. Raina, you go. She likes you best."

"But Madeleine's the one who's always trying to get into her pants," Raina said hurriedly.

"So is Sebastian!" Madeline replied.

Before the argument could get any more heated, the solution to their problem walked into the waiting room. Mayor Delgado and D.A. Cutler strolled up, and the members of the HPCU exchanged small yet sinister smiles.

"Jess is in room 709," Sebastian said before either of the new arrivals had a chance to speak.

"And she's taking visitors," Raina added.

Delgado stared at them suspiciously. "So why aren't you in there with her, then?"

"Because we're trying to decide where we want to go to eat later and we didn't want to do it in front of her since she's stuck with hospital food," Madeleine lied quickly.

"I'm sure she'd love to see you two," Raina added sweetly.

Both men scoffed. "Pfft, right. But I haven't really spoken with her since the election and I suppose this is probably the safest time get it over with," Delgado said, chuckling.

Cutler looked slightly confused by this, but joined in with the mayor's laughter regardless.

Sebastian smiled—or at any rate bared his teeth—and watched as Cutler and Delgado headed down the hall to Jessica's room.

Madeleine waited until the two men were out of earshot before saying, "Well, better them than us."

"Now all we have to do is sit back and wait," Raina said, leaning against the wall.

"We're all going to Hell for this, you know," Danny said casually.

"I'm going to Hell for many, many reasons," Sebastian said, "but this definitely isn't one of them."

It wasn't long before their victims reappeared. Cutler's face was twitching slightly and Delgado was fervently making the sign of the Cross. The mayor continued on towards the elevator without once looking at anyone else. Cutler, however, stopped and turned to Sebastian. He opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. Then he shook his head and whimpered quietly before following Delgado.

Sebastian waited until the two men were out of earshot, then said, "Christ, Jess is going to be bragging about this for months."

"So, do you think she's got it all out of her system now?" Danny asked.

"Ha! No, but that probably took the edge off. It's probably safe now," Sebastian replied. "Relatively speaking, anyway."

"It's probably best if we all go in at once. That way, her rage can spread evenly over all of us instead of raining down on just one person," Madeleine suggested.

"You all make her sound like some kind of vicious, bloodthirsty animal," Raina said, shaking her head in disapproval.

The other three stared at her incredulously.

"Have you _not_ been paying attention for the past ten minutes?" Madeleine asked snidely.

"Raina, she's much scarier than any wild animal," Sebastian said. "Even the most bloodthirsty beast can only destroy your body. It can't destroy your soul along with it."

"That was my point, actually," Raina replied. "It's really not a fair comparison."

"Oh, well, in that case, I agree," Madeleine said.

"We can apologize to the rabid beasts of the world after we let Jessica know that we still love her even though her face currently looks like someone played soccer with it," said Sebastian, getting up.

He headed off down the hall, motioning for the others to follow him. When he got to Jessica's room, he knocked twice, then walked in without waiting for an answer. His subordinates trailed in behind him and found Jessica patiently telling a young candy-striper in detail the various reasons why no one would ever love her. It wasn't long before the girl ran out of the room in tears and Jessica acknowledged her latest guests.

"And the day just gets better and better," she said sarcastically.

"I see you've already changed into your hospital gown. You should have told me; I would have been happy to help you with that," Sebastian said, smiling innocently as he sat down beside her bed.

"Bite me," she replied automatically.

"We really ought to wait until the children leave, darling," he said cheerfully. "So what'd the doctor say?"

She glared at him, but chose to let his remark slide for the time being.

"I'm stuck here for a week, so I'm going to need all of you to take care of some stuff for me," she said.

"We'll be happy to help," Madeleine replied eagerly.

"Glad to hear it. First off, Danny," she said, attempting to incline her head towards him and giving up with a grimace of pain.

"Yeah?" he replied nervously.

"I'm going to need you to stay out of my sight for the next month, starting now."

"Sounds fair," he said, edging towards the door.

"The ban may end up being extended at some point, but if that happens I'll have someone let you know, so don't worry," she said coolly.

"Right, got it!" he called back to her as he made a break for it, knowing full well that he'd dodged a bullet.

When he'd gone, she acknowledged her female coworkers. "Raina and Madeleine, I'm going to need you two to empty out my pantry and refrigerator of anything that could go bad during the week. Feel free to take it home with you. I'll also need you to check my mail every day and bring the important stuff here."

"Got it," Raina said, nodding.

"Hey, wait a minute," Sebastian protested. "Why them and not me?"

Jessica rolled her eyes. "For one thing, I don't trust you not to empty out my entire kitchen of anything edible, and for another, I don't trust you not to go through my underwear drawer."

Sebastian nodded in acceptance. Even he couldn't argue the sense of this.

"Fair enough, but if you don't want people going through your unmentionables, why are you sending Madeleine?" he asked, ignoring the glower that the young woman sent his way. Being glared at by multiple women was nothing new to him.

Jessica thought about this for a moment, then said, "Good point. Raina, why don't you ask Isaac to help you out?"

Raina smirked. "No problem."

"Great. My keys are in my purse. I want to make this very clear, though: no one is to touch my car. I _just_ had Georgette washed."

"Understood," Raina replied, heading for the door.

"And if you have sex in my house, be sure to clean up afterwards!" Jessica called after her.

None of them clearly heard Raina's reply, but each of them had a pretty good idea as to what it might have been.

Jessica laughed softly before turning her attention back to the matters at hand. "Now, Madeleine, what I want you to do instead is take over antagonizing Cutler for me until I get back. Nothing major, just do what I do."

"Make bitchy remarks about his height, subtly imply that he's never satisfied a woman, lace all comments to him with contempt and salt his coffee at every chance," Madeleine recited cheerfully.

"Add in a few bald jokes and you're golden," Jessica replied proudly.

"I'm on it," Madeleine said, cracking her knuckles. "I want you to know that I take this very seriously."

"I'm counting on it," said Jessica.

Madeline gave her the thumbs up signal and went off to do her bidding.

Sebastian was beginning to look peeved at this point. "Again, I'm forced to ask, why not me?"

"Because you do that anyway," Jessica replied.

"Point," he said, looking somewhat mollified.

Jessica smirked and went on, "Besides, I have something much better in mind for you."

Sebastian grinned and leaned in closely. "I'm all ears."


	2. The People We Call Family

AN: Sophie Talbot is an original character created by me. I've since started on some new medication, however, and am in a much better place emotionally. Or at least I was until I started editing this fic for re-publishing. Authors should not have nightmares about their own characters.

Jessica sighed. "While he was here, Cutler told me that he contacted my Aunt Sophie, since he couldn't get in touch with any of the other members of my family. She's going to fly out tomorrow."

Sebastian placed a hand on her good shoulder in sympathy. "Oh, Jess. I'm so sorry. What do you want me to do? Do you want me to kill Cutler for you? Because I will."

Jessica laughed weakly. "Thanks, but that's okay. He's never met my aunt, and I've never talked about her to him, so it's really not his fault this time."

"So why did you destroy his soul?" he asked.

"For grins and giggles," she replied, attempting to shrug with only one shoulder.

"Anyway," she went on, "I need you to find out when Aunt Sophie's plane is getting in, pick her up at the airport, and make sure that I never see her. Do whatever you have to do to make her want to leave without visiting me. She already hates you, so it shouldn't be too hard."

He smirked at her. "So, should I tell her we're dating?"

"Try engaged," she replied, matching his grin.

"I'll have a ring on your finger by the end of the evening," he said cheerfully.

"Yeah, we should probably hold off on that. If all goes well, we won't even need it," she said, laughing.

"She might want visible proof, though, and I probably won't have time to pick one out once she gets here," he argued.

"You seem oddly set on this course of action."

"Um, hello?" he replied, arching an eyebrow.

"Right, right," she conceded. "All right, take my credit card and pick out something tasteful."

"Oh, come on. I can't let you buy your own engagement ring," he teased.

She gave him a warning glare, and he held up his hands in surrender.

"Fine, fine. I'll use your card, spoilsport."

He grabbed her purse off of the bedside table and began rifling through it for her wallet.

"Hey, does it matter which card I use?" he asked, examining his options.

"No, it—whoa," she stopped suddenly, causing him to look up at her in surprise.

Her eyes were now glazed over, and a strange smile was slowly spreading across her face.

"Uh, Jess?" he said, waving a hand in front of her face.

Jessica's mind was swimming in ecstasy. All of a sudden the world and everything in it seemed almost unbearably beautiful to her. Though she was still aware of the pain, it seemed far away, and she just couldn't bring herself to care about it anymore.

When she began giggling inanely, Sebastian gave up on his attempts to get her attention. He pocketed one of her credit cards, got up, and quietly made his way out of the room. As he shut the door behind him, he noticed a nurse heading his way.

He stopped her and said, "Hey, all of those meds you put her on have her tripping the light fantastic, so if there's anything you need to do in there, now's the safest time to do it."

She looked momentarily confused, then smiled in dawning comprehension as she realized whose room it was. She thanked him profusely and he continued on his way.

***

It was half past eight the next morning before Jessica came out of her drug-induced euphoria, and the first thing that she noticed was that the pain was now once again up close and personal. The next thing she noticed was that someone had left a sticky-note on her forehead. She peeled it off and turned it around, instantly recognizing the handwriting. It read:

'Jess, your aunt's plane is coming in around noon, so you might want to see about getting some holy water and wooden stakes ready, just in case. Also, Isaac and Raina said to tell you that they were impressed with the sturdiness of your kitchen table, and that they'd cut you a check for a new set of bed sheets before you get home. I told them not to worry about it, though, because you'll just be happy to know that at least someone is getting action in your bed.

Love from your fiancé,

S.S.

P.S. I hope the ring is tasteful enough.'

She rolled her eyes and sighed as she finished reading the note, then crumpled it up and threw it away. She then turned her attention to the ring that had found its way onto her left ring finger over the course of the night. She had to admit that it was perfect for their purposes; Sebastian really knew his jewelry. It was showy enough to convince her aunt of its legitimacy, should it come to that, without being over-the-top. She wondered how much it had cost, but then decided that it didn't matter. If it convinced her aunt to leave her the hell alone, it was worth it. Content that everything was taken care of, she pressed the button connected to her morphine drip and waited for her next trip to begin.

***

Sebastian stood just outside of the terminal, waiting for Jessica's aunt to disembark. He was holding a sign that read "Sophie Talbot," though it was hardly necessary. Though they had only met twice before, the two of them shared such a deep and abiding hatred for one another that each would know the other anywhere.

Indeed, it wasn't long before Sebastian recognized Sophie sweeping imperially towards the gate. She was an easy woman to spot, even in a large crowd. It wasn't that she was a fat woman; she was just naturally large-bodied, tall and seemingly intent on taking up as much space as possible. She had the bearing of a duchess and the bad manners to match.

'This is for Jessica,' he reminded himself as she drew nearer.

He took a deep breath, put on his best shit-eating grin and called, "Aunt Sophie!" in the most jovial manner he could muster.

His expression did not change even when she paused and gave him the most hate-filled glare he'd ever received, which was saying something.

"Sebastian," she said coldly as she approached.

"It's good to see you again," he lied cheerfully.

"Hmph. So, am I to assume there's a reason my precious little niece sent _you_ out to greet me?" she sniffed disapprovingly.

"Yes, Aunt Sophie," he replied. "A very good reason, in fact."

"And what on God's green earth makes you think it's appropriate to refer to me as 'Aunt Sophie?'" she asked, towering over him threateningly.

"Why, the fact that I'll be a member of your family soon, Aunt Sophie. Or hasn't Jessica told you, yet?" he replied, giving her his most charming smile.

He dearly wished that he had had a camera with which to record Sophie's reaction. Her face slowly turned from pink to red to purple in her rage and the vein in her forehead began to throb menacingly. She also seemed to be in imminent danger of choking on her own saliva. He decided to push a little more, just to see what would happen.

"She probably meant to tell you sooner, but between work and wedding planning, she's been completely swamped. Hell, being trapped in the hospital might actually do her some good. It'll give her a chance to just relax," he said, happily milking the lie for all it was worth.

Sebastian would never be able to figure out how an eighty-year-old woman could move so quickly. Before he even had time to duck, her large and surprisingly heavy purse had connected with the back of his head, sending him reeling. Slowly, he picked himself up off the floor, setting off fireworks of pain just behind his eyes. He looked around for security and saw that they were too busy laughing to help him.

"I won't believe it! My darling little Jessie would never marry a horrible man like you! I want to hear this from her," said Sophie, trembling with anger and hatred.

He unsteadily got to his feet and said, in a placating tone, "So, I take it you want to stop by and visit her before I take you to your hotel?"

"Nonsense. I'm staying at her house, of course. I need to get the key from her anyway," she said, narrowing her eyes at him as though daring him to suggest that he had his own key.

For once, Sebastian backed down from the implied challenge.

"Of course, Au—Mrs. Talbot. Do you mind if we stop by the office on the way, though? One of our coworkers packed up a suitcase for Jessica this morning and I'd like to bring it to her myself."

Sophie paused to consider his request, then brusquely nodded her consent. "As long as you don't dawdle. Jessica needs me beside her bed!"

Sebastian was about to come back with, "And me _in _her bed," but stopped himself just in time.

Done exchanging pleasantries, the two collected Sophie's luggage and Sebastian carried it to his car. They drove to the D.A.'s office in silence, until he prepared to turn into the parking garage.

"Don't park in there. I know all about parking garages and what goes on in them. Are you trying to get me raped and murdered?" she snapped.

He sighed, drove past the entrance, and began looking for a space in the outdoor parking lot. He noted with some disappointment that D.A. Cutler's car was already in his spot, and settled for the one next to it.

He opened her door for her and led her into the building, where he saw his chance at a reprieve standing just inside, signing some paperwork.

"Ah, Mr. District Attorney!" he called out.

Leo Cutler glared up at him suspiciously. Sebastian only called him that when he was mocking him, when he wanted something or both. He noticed the formidable-looking woman behind him and correctly guessed that it was option C. this time.

"Sebastian," Cutler said guardedly.

"I'd like to introduce you to Sophie Talbot. She's Jessica's aunt," said Sebastian.

Cutler could tell by the glint in Sebastian's eyes that very bad things were about to happen to him and there was nothing he could do about it.

Nevertheless, he gave her his best shit-eating grin, offered her his hand and said, "District Attorney Leo Cutler, at your service."

One thing about Sophie Talbot was that she was one of those people who believed she could tell someone's character by the firmness of their handshake. One thing about Leo Cutler was that he knew how to use this belief to his advantage. He looked her square in the eye and matched the strength of her grip.

She smiled approvingly. "Nice to meet you, Mr. Cutler."

He gave her a fake smile in return. "Likewise."

"Hey, Leo, why don't you show Mrs. Talbot around a bit while I run up to grab Jessica's suitcase?" Sebastian suggested, smiling innocently.

"Well, I…" Cutler began, only to be cut off.

"Great, I'll meet you both back here in five minutes," said Sebastian, hurrying off before either of them could stop him.

When Sebastian returned ten minutes later, he found Cutler standing next to Sophie looking even more broken and traumatized than he had the previous day. He could see the shorter man sweating as he fought to keep a smile plastered on his face.

"Sorry," he lied as he approached them. "Madeleine was just filling me in on the murder case we're investigating. An actress on a Sci-Fi Channel movie was found dead in her dressing room."

"I still think that was a mercy killing," Cutler said.

"Tell me about it," Sebastian agreed. "Nevertheless, we have to pursue justice."

"Ha! You've been spending too much time around Devlin," said Cutler before he could stop himself.

Sebastian didn't think it was fair the way Sophie only gave Cutler a light slap on the face, when he had gotten the bottomless-purse treatment.

'Maybe she's worried that she'd crush him,' he thought.

Aloud, he said, "So, Mrs. Talbot, I got Jessica's keys from Raina, who's been house-sitting for her. If you'd like, we can stop by her house first so we can drop your luggage off."

"We'll drop them off after I see my niece. I want her to know what kind of slanderous lies you've been spreading about her," she replied self-righteously.

"What sort of lies has he been spreading? _This _time, that is," Cutler added nastily.

"He told me they were engaged!" she said, pointing an accusatory finger at Sebastian.

Had Cutler been drinking at the time, he would have done a spit-take. He nearly did so anyway.

"But we are, Mrs. Talbot," Sebastian said, his face very nearly a picture of innocence.

"Hmph! We'll see about that," Sophie replied, and she turned and strode towards the door, leaving a very confused and shell-shocked Cutler in her wake.

"Are you two really engaged?" he asked incredulously as Sebastian began to follow her.

He didn't even hesitate before answering, "Of course we are."

Cutler silently watched him leave, then muttered to himself, "Damn it. I can't believe I just lost a five-hundred dollar bet to Manny."

***

Jessica was dozing when Sebastian and Sophie arrived, but she woke up when they entered the room. Her eyes widened in panic when she saw Sophie, but she quickly schooled her features into an expression of happiness.

"Hey," she said blearily.

"How're you holding up, darling?" Sebastian asked, casting a sideways glance at Sophie as he did so.

"I'm—"

"Jessica! Do you know what this man has been saying about you?" Sophie cut in, pointing dramatically at Sebastian.

"This time? No," Jessica sighed.

"He's saying that you two are engaged," Sophie said, her voice full of gleeful malice.

"But we are engaged, Aunt Sophie. See?" Jessica weakly raised her left hand to show off the ring.

For a moment, Sophie was speechless, but she recovered quickly and whirled to face Sebastian.

"You did something to trap her into this, didn't you? Did you get my sweet little niece pregnant?" she growled, effectively pinning him to the wall with one bony index finger digging into his upper lip.

Jessica coughed in a way that sounded suspiciously like a laugh, then groaned as her ribcage protested violently.

"I'm not pregnant, and he hasn't trapped me into anything," she said after the shooting pains had deadened somewhat.

"Then _why _are you marrying him?" Sophie nearly wailed, her finger never leaving Sebastian's upper lip.

For his part, Sebastian remained silent, not least because it's hard to speak when someone's fingernail is threatening to slice off the tip of your nose.

Jessica hesitated before answering, "Because I love him, Aunt Sophie."

Sophie's hands fell to her sides in despair, while Sebastian's hands flew to his mouth. Sophie Talbot had a _powerful _pointer. Once he was sure that the older woman hadn't left a dent, he picked up the suitcase that Raina had packed for Jessica.

"By the way, Raina wanted me to bring this over for you, hon," he said, slipping past Sophie and placing the suitcase on the bedside chair.

"Tell me, is there a toothbrush in there?" she asked eagerly.

"Yes, there is. Toothpaste, too," he replied, holding the objects up.

"Great! Now if you'll help me get up, I'll go use them, and then I can greet you properly," she finished suggestively.

"Of course," he said, but was prevented from doing so by Sophie, whose despair had turned back into rage.

"_You _ will wait outside, Mr. Stark. Jessica's only wearing a hospital gown and you aren't married yet, so _I _will assist her," she said, hurriedly stepping between the two.

"Well, it's not like I haven't already seen her naked a dozen times or so," he shot back, determined not to be denied the opportunity to check out his coworker's fabulous ass.

Sophie gasped, swayed dramatically, then collapsed into what would truly have been a magnificent faint if she hadn't landed in her niece's lap.


	3. The Tangled Web We Weave

Sebastian reacted quickly, hitting the nurses' call button next to Jessica's bed before attempting to wake Sophie. Jessica, meanwhile, had sunk back into blissful unconsciousness and he thought it was probably best for her to stay that way for a while. It wasn't long before three nurses and an orderly arrived to relocate Sophie to an empty bed. Sensing that his presence was not currently required, Sebastian slipped out the door and whipped out his cell phone. He hit speed dial and held the phone up to his ear, drumming his fingers impatiently on the wall.

"You're not going to believe what just happened," he said when he finally got an answer.

***

Time passed and Jessica awoke to the sight and sound of her aunt sobbing over her. There are far worse things to wake up to, but at the moment she couldn't think of anything.

"Jessica, darling!" Sophie cried when she saw that her niece was awake.

"'Lo Aunt Sophie," she replied weakly before screaming in pain as Sophie grabbed her face in a frenzy.

"I'm so sorry, Jessie! You know I'd never want to hurt you," Sophie said, quickly jerking her hands away.

"Could've fooled me," Jessica muttered under her breath.

"The same cannot be said for your fiancé," came Sebastian's voice from the doorway.

As he walked into her line of sight she noticed that he was sporting a large black eye that he hadn't had earlier. She sighed.

"Aunt Sophie, please don't be so rough with my fiancé. He's delicate," she said.

"Gee, thanks Jess," Sebastian mumbled irritably.

Sophie glared at him before turning back to her niece and saying, "Jessica, _please _tell me you haven't had premarital relations with this man."

Jessica's forehead wrinkled in befuddlement. "But as soon as I told you I was marrying him you assumed that I was pregnant."

"And when you told me you weren't it gave me hope that you hadn't forgotten the strong, Christian values you were raised with," Sophie replied, puffing up righteously.

At this, Sebastian began to cough in a highly suspicious manner. Jessica silenced him with a glare and decided to answer her aunt honestly.

"No, Aunt Sophie. Sebastian and I haven't slept together. He was just kidding about that."

Sophie sagged with relief. "Glory be to Jesus! It's not too late, then. He hasn't yet corrupted your beautiful soul with his vile and sinful ways."

Sebastian coughed again, but said nothing.

Jessica sighed and closed her eyes. This was getting old fast. It was time for drastic action.

She smiled as sweetly as she could manage and said, "Aunt Sophie, would you excuse us for a moment? I need to speak with my future husband privately."

"Anything you can say in front of him you can say in front of me," Sophie replied, bristling.

"Please, Aunt Sophie. This is important," said Jessica, giving her aunt a look of wide-eyed innocence.

"Oh…very well, dear," said Sophie, relenting. "But I'm raising the blinds in here, just in case."

They both heaved sighs of relief as the old woman left the room and closed the door behind her. Sebastian sat down in the easy chair beside Jessica's bed and tried to ignore Sophie, who was standing at the window and glaring at them from the outside.

"What is it, Jess?" he asked, leaning in closely.

"Sebastian, I can't take much more of this. I want her gone by _tonight_," she hissed desperately.

"What do you want me to do? Our plan already backfired; she's determined to stay and talk you out of marrying me," he replied.

"It hasn't completely backfired yet. We just need to take it to the next level," she said, arching an eyebrow meaningfully.

Sebastian cleared his throat and began to reach for his tie. "Um, I don't know if I'll be able to perform with her watching, but I'm willing to give it a go if you are."

Jessica closed her eyes in frustration. "I _meant _ that we need to have a fake wedding," she said through clenched teeth.

"Oh, right. That could work, too," he replied, looking mildly disappointed. "Or you could just be honest and ask her to leave. That might work."

They stared at each other blankly for a moment, then burst into laughter.

"Yeah, right," Jessica snickered. "Seriously, though, let's give Cleary a call. He's the only judge who still likes me enough to do this."

Sebastian nodded. "Are you sure he'll be able to do it today, though? He might be busy."

There was another pause, followed by more laughter.

When it had died down once more, Sebastian said, "I need to be getting back to the office soon anyway, so I'll explain things to him once I'm there."

"Thank you, Sebastian. This really means a lot to me," she replied, giving him a warm smile.

"Hey, I want to get rid of the old bitch as much as you do, Jess. Besides, if I'm going to fake-marry anyone, it could only be you," he said, gently squeezing her hand.

Jessica rolled her eyes. "You sweet-talker, you."

"It's what I do best."

He slowly leaned over and kissed her forehead, all too conscious of Sophie's eyes boring into him.

"I'll be back as soon as I can," he promised. "What should I do with Sophie until then?"

She scratched her chin thoughtfully. "You know, I was just thinking that I let Danny off the hook way too easily. Tell Aunt Sophie that he's recently converted to Christianity and that he'd like to take her to dinner and get her advice on how to pick the right church."

Sebastian stared at her in wonder, his expression a mixture of horror and delight. "You are quite possibly the most evil woman in the world," he told her, "and I swear to God that I have _never _been more attracted to you."

"Piss off," she said, smiling sweetly.

He laughed and headed towards the door. "See you soon, darling," he said, blowing her a kiss.

Jessica sighed and turned up the dial on her morphine drip again.

***

When Sebastian returned several hours later with Judge Cleary in tow, Jessica was in a much better state of mind. With the assistance of one of the few nurses she hadn't traumatized, she'd managed not only to brush her teeth but take a shower as well, and was currently relaxing with a fresh moist-heat pack on her shoulder.

"Ah, Ms. Devlin, I was so sorry to hear of your accident. I hope you feel better soon," said Cleary.

"Thank you, Warren," Jessica replied graciously.

"I understand that Mr. Reyes is responsible for this," he went on, "If you'd like, I can have him held in contempt at any time."

"I may take you up on that later. For now though, I think he's being punished enough," she said with a sadistic smile that was all the more disturbing for the cuts and bruises lining her face.

"Speaking of Danny, I just got off the phone with him. He said Sophie's on her way up here and he's headed for the emergency room," said Sebastian.

"Oh, God. What'd she do to him?" Jessica asked, unsure of whether or not she really wanted to know.

"Well, actually, he tried to slit his wrist with a steak knife while they were at dinner, but his hand slipped and he sliced up the palm of his hand instead," he replied indifferently.

"Ah. Well, Aunt Sophie does have that affect on people. I can't say I blame him," she said, wincing sympathetically.

"For the sake of my sanity, I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that," said Cleary with a forced smile. "Shall we proceed, then?"

"Not yet. Sebastian, stand by the window and watch for Aunt Sophie. We'll start as soon she rounds the corner," said Jessica.

"You know, I'd almost forgotten how hot you are when you give me orders," Sebastian replied as he followed her instructions.

"While we're waiting, then, why don't we discuss the little matter of payment?" Cleary suggested keenly.

"Oh, right. Standard wedding fare all right with you?" Jessica asked as she absentmindedly fiddled with her morphine drip.

"Well, yes, I suppose. Of course, these are unusual circumstances…" he trailed off meaningfully.

"And we'll throw in a picture of Jessica in a bikini as well," Sebastian said casually.

"What!" Jessica angrily shouted in unison with Judge Cleary's eager exclamation of "Done!"

"Fantastic, then," said Sebastian. "Incidentally, Sophie just turned the corner. Let's get this show on the road."

Jessica sighed irritably. "Great. Why don't we just go ahead and skip to the end, hmm?"

"Yes, let's," Judge Cleary cleared his throat and began loudly, "Sebastian, do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

"I do," said Sebastian as he quickly took his position by Jessica's side.

"And do you, Jessica, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

"I do," she replied, trying to ignore the sound of rapidly-approaching footsteps which indicated that her aunt had overheard the proceedings and was rushing forth to put a stop to them.

As per the laws of comedic timing, Sophie arrived at Jessica's room just as Judge Cleary pronounced them husband and wife.

"No!" she gasped dramatically, her hands flying to her heart in sorrow as Sebastian eagerly leaned in to kiss his bride.

"And what God hath joined together, let no man put asunder," Cleary threw in for added effect.

He needn't have bothered, as no one in the room was paying attention to him. Sebastian seemed to be milking the opportunity to make out with Jessica for all it was worth, and oddly enough she didn't appear to have any objections to this. Sophie, meanwhile, had begun to sob violently, causing Judge Cleary to feel a pang of guilt for his part in the scheme. Any feelings of remorse he had evaporated, however, when Sophie rushed forward and yanked Sebastian off of Jessica, then pinned him to the wall with one finger pressed into his chest.

"How _could _you, Jessica?" she choked out, ignoring the protests of both Sebastian and Cleary.

"I'll explain as soon as you let my husband go, Aunt Sophie," said Jessica in the gentle tones of one attempting to talk a sniper down from the water tower.

Sophie released Sebastian with a fierce growl, and he fought the urge to slide down the wall into the fetal position.

Jessica sighed in relief. "Thank you," she said. "Now as for why we decided to get married now…well, landing in the hospital has caused me to have an epiphany of sorts. I've realized that having a fancy wedding isn't nearly as important as being married to the man I love, and I didn't want to wait any longer to start my life with him."

She sounded so earnest when she spoke that Sebastian became convinced that she had missed her true calling as an actress. Cleary, however, had begun thinking about how Jessica had always been so pleasant to him, and was starting to have rather painful doubts about her past sincerity. Indeed, he was beginning to suspect she had made a fool of him on more than one occasion, and that did not sit well with him at all. His brow crinkled in consternation.

"Jessica, you must understand that this man is not a good person," Sophie pointed dramatically at Sebastian, who flinched automatically. She went on, "and I'm really sorry to have to do this to you, but unless you get this marriage annulled this instant, I will walk out of your life forever."

"No. I'm sorry, Aunt Sophie. I know you hate Sebastian, but I'm not going to throw away what I have with him. I can't," said Jessica, her eyes filling with tears on cue.

Sophie's shoulders sagged in defeat. "Very well, then. Goodbye, Jessica. May God have mercy upon your soul. Sebastian, come get my bags out of your car. I will take a taxi to the airport," she said imperiously.

Sebastian nodded his acquiescence. "Jess, I'll be right back, okay?"

"Oh, Mr. Stark, before you go, I need for you and Jessica to sign these," Cleary said, pulling a small sheaf of papers out of his briefcase.

Sebastian and Jessica glanced at one another uncertainly, but neither wanted to object, lest their ruse be discovered. "Um, all right, but I can't really sign with my right hand at the moment," she said.

"Oh, don't worry about that," Cleary replied airily, "just do your best with your left hand. I'm sorry to hold you up, Mrs. Talbot, but this won't take a moment."

He placed the papers and a pen on the bed tray and stepped back.

"Here, let me help you, hon," Sebastian said, holding onto her hand to steady it.

"Thanks," she said, fighting the blush that she could feel rising to her cheeks and ultimately losing.

Sebastian noticed and made a mental note to tease her about it later. When the papers were signed and dated, Sebastian handed them back to Judge Cleary and escorted the now once-again sobbing Sophie out of the room.

"Well, that's that, then," said Cleary when the other two were out of earshot.

"Thank you so much for coming out here and doing this for us, Warren," she said with a heartfelt smile.

"It was my pleasure, Mrs. Devlin. Er, I assume that you'll be keeping your last name?" he asked, giving her a strange look.

"Well, of course. It's not as if we're actually married…" she caught a glace at his expression and trailed off in horror. "Warren, you didn't!" she pleaded.

He chuckled softly and ignored her desperation. "Under the circumstances, Mrs. Devlin, payment will not be necessary."

He picked up his briefcase and headed for the door, leaving Jessica in a state of shock.

"By the way, get well soon!" he called out cheerfully.


	4. Head Injuries are Serious Business

Sophie had waited at the indoor entrance to the parking garage while Sebastian retrieved her luggage from his car.

"I'm okay, really. I don't need any help or anything," he groaned when he reappeared several minutes later, pushing, pulling and carrying all of her various suitcases and duffel bags and trying to ignore the insistent ringing of his cell phone.

"Good, because you'll not get any from me!" she replied nastily.

"You know what? Fuck this!" he swore, dropping the luggage in front of her and looking her square in the eyes. "I'm done with this and I'm done with you. Take your goddamn luggage and get out of here, you overbearing, self-righteous bitch!"

For a moment both of them stood frozen in shock, neither quite able to believe that he had actually spoken those words. Unfortunately for Sebastian, Sophie recovered first. Much to his surprise, she calmly opened her purse and pulled out a large print, hardback KJV Bible.

"Thou shalt not take the Lord's name in vain, Mr. Stark," she said evenly, and struck him upside the head with the Bible.

He had just enough time to think, 'she's fas-' before blacking out.

***

"C'mon, Sebastian, pick up your damn phone," Jessica grumbled as she hit speed-dial for the third time.

She snapped her phone closed in disgust as his voicemail message started up again. She waited impatiently for a few minutes and was about to give it another go when the only nurse in the hospital who wasn't afraid of her walked into the room. She was a short, heavily built woman in her mid-fifties with gin blossoms and a permanent scowl. Jessica had liked her right away. The nurse was carrying a small pill-cup and a glass of orange juice.

"Medication time already, huh?" Jessica said, perking up. "What've you got for me, Rose?"

"Darvocet, Prednisone and Amoxicillin," she replied in a deep, gravelly voice.

"Nice," said Jessica, taking the pill-cup and downing the contents with a sip of the juice.

"By the way, congratulations," Rose went on.

"For what?" she asked, taking another sip.

"Your wedding, of course," Rose replied, skeptically raising a bushy eyebrow, then rushing forward to assist Jessica, who had begun to choke.

"How…how did you know?" asked Jessica when she'd recovered.

"Your judge had us update our records before we left."

"How kind of him," Jessica said dryly.

The sarcasm was utterly lost on Rose, who seemed to have something else on her mind.

"But I'm afraid I've got some bad news about your new husband, Mrs. Devlin," she began. "He was found unconscious by the fourth-floor entrance to the parking garage with multiple bruises, contusions and a lump the size of my fist on the back of his head."

Jessica's face fell. "Where is he now?" she asked.

"He's getting a CAT scan right now, and afterwards we'll bring him up here," said Rose.

"What?" Jessica's head jerked up sharply, causing intense pain to shoot through her back and neck.

"I know this is a big shock for you, Mrs. Devlin, but you need to calm down and keep still," Rose said, placing a firm hand on her good shoulder and giving it what she thought was a comforting squeeze. "He's going to be all right. We need to keep him overnight for observation, that's all. It's lucky you two decided to get married today; otherwise we wouldn't have had a room for him."

"Yeah, lucky," Jessica echoed dully.

"It's one way of looking at it, anyway," said Rose with as pleasant a smile as she was capable of.

Jessica smiled wanly. "I suppose you're right. Thanks, Rose."

"Anytime, hon. Now rest up; your husband—and the police—will be here soon," she replied briskly.

"Police?" Jessica asked wearily.

"Well, he didn't obviously didn't beat himself up," said Rose.

"Of course," Jessica sighed.

As soon as the nurse had gone, she picked up her cell phone and made another call. Luckily, the phone was answered almost immediately this time.

"Isaac, it's Jess. I need you to come down to the hospital as soon as possible; it's an emergency," she said hurriedly.

"Is this about your surprise wedding?" he asked, trying to hold in his laughter. "'Cause if it is, you know there's not much I can do other than offer my sympathy."

He heard a sharp intake of breath from the other end of the line, followed by a weak, "How did you find out?"

"Judge Cleary called Raina to ah, share the good news. She said it was a few minutes before he could stop laughing long enough to tell her, though," he replied.

"I'm going to kill him," Jessica sighed. "But that's not why I called. Sebastian got beaten up near the parking garage here, and there are going to be cops showing up any minute."

She heard Isaac stifle another laugh at this news, and couldn't blame him a bit. Under different circumstances, she'd have been laughing right along with him.

"I'm guessing you want me to be there when they show up?" he asked, and she could practically _hear_ his smile.

"If that's possible," she replied.

"Not a problem. I was just about to leave to pick Danny up from the ER. I'll tell him to wait there until after the cops leave."

"Good, good. And while you're here you can fill me in on what's going on with the case," she said, back in full-prosecutor mode for the moment.

Isaac chuckled. "Case is closed, Jess. Isle Kilsya signed a plea agreement. You can thank Raina and Madeleine for that."

"They grow up so fast," Jess said with all of the faux sentimentality she could muster. "Anyway, I appreciate you coming out here, Isaac. I'll make it up to you."

"You already have," he replied, and hung up before she could ask what he meant by that.

Before she could worry more about that statement, Sebastian was wheeled into the room, looking worse than she felt. He was conscious, but only just. His left eye was swollen shut and the tread mark of a sensible shoe was still plainly outlined on his cheek.

"Oh, shit," she muttered.

She didn't have to wonder who was responsible for the attack; Aunt Sophie had given Jessica's father the same treatment at her mother's funeral, as well her brother after his divorce. It was really getting a bit tiresome. She decided to keep her mouth shut until she found out Sebastian's view on the matter. She highly doubted that he would want to press charges against Sophie, as that would require spending more time in her company. She couldn't picture him being too keen on that idea.

She listened politely as the nurses assured her that he'd be just fine, there was nothing to worry about, and oh, the CAT scan results wouldn't be back until morning, probably. Out of the corner of her eye she noticed the orderlies pushing Sebastian's bed close to hers, and she thanked them grudgingly, not even bothering to fake a smile.

Though Jessica had only been in the hospital for one day, the staff had already learned to read her facial expressions out of sheer self-preservation. One look at her darkening features told them that they'd better finish their duties in record time.

Once the nurses and orderlies had cleared out, Jessica carefully maneuvered herself to get a better look at Sebastian. One look at his battered face and glazed, half-closed eye sent pangs of remorse shooting through her; pangs which only got worse when he turned his head towards her and hoarsely whispered her name. She closed her eyes and bit her lip against the guilt trip he was unknowingly sending her on.

"I'm here, Sebastian," she said softly.

"Jess," he repeated, his voice getting a little stronger. "This…is a tough one."

Her guilt turned to confusion. "What is?"

"This sudoku. It's hard," he replied, turning to face the ceiling once more.

"What sudoku?" she asked, cocking an eyebrow quizzically.

"The one on the ceiling," he said irritably.

"I…I think you should try to get some sleep, Sebastian. You can solve it later, okay?" Jessica said soothingly.

For once, he didn't seem inclined to argue, which worried her. With a pained sigh that may have been slightly exaggerated, he allowed his eyes to flutter closed. Within moments he was snoring peacefully. Jessica couldn't help smiling in spite of her irritation with the world in general; if she'd known that a head injury could make Sebastian this agreeable, she'd have knocked him out years ago.

She felt her own eyelids begin to droop and realized that her medications were kicking in. She reached over and gave Sebastian's hand an affectionate squeeze before drifting off to sleep.

***

Twenty minutes later, Isaac walked into Jessica's hospital room to find both her and Sebastian asleep, their beds pushed together and their hands entwined. He pressed his fist against his mouth to hold off the laughter that threatened to erupt at the sight of them. He heard a muffled snicker behind him and turned to see two of his former colleagues at the police department standing in the doorway, trying in vain to curb their amusement. He sent them off to talk to the nurse who'd found Sebastian, since it was clear that, even if they could wake him up, the man himself would be unlikely to be able to give them a coherent statement.

When the two officers had done, Isaac grinned to himself and pulled out his camera-phone. As he snapped a few incriminating photos of the sleeping duo, he silently thanked Sebastian for helping him get such a great text-message plan.


	5. The Aftermath of a Disaster

Time passed, and Sebastian reluctantly awoke. At first he was only conscious of pain, but gradually he became aware of a muffled snickering. He blearily opened his eyes and saw Isaac standing by the door, talking to two grinning cops. Even in his disoriented state, he knew that nothing good could come of expressions like those. He was growing more aware by the moment, and had by this time realized that he was in a hospital room. He was also beginning to notice that something soft and warm was engulfing his right hand, but that was low on his list of priorities at the moment.

"The hell's going on?" he rasped, grabbing the attention of Isaac and his colleagues.

"You got beaten up by the hospital parking garage," said Isaac, entirely too cheerfully for Sebastian's taste. "Speaking of, do you remember who did it?"

Sebastian's forehead wrinkled as he tried to recall the events that had led to him waking up in a hospital bed. Slowly his memories started to piece together, until at last he remembered that final moment before he fell unconscious. He cringed as he recalled Sophie's sadistic smile as she swung her Bible at his head.

"Don't remember a thing," he lied slowly.

"Well, we haven't got any other leads at this point," said the policeman closest to him. "You were found in a spot that the security cameras don't cover and apparently you and your attacker were the only ones in that area at the time. If you can't remember who it was, then there may not be a lot we can do."

"Oh, goo—er not good," Sebastian replied blearily.

Isaac glared at him suspiciously, then waved the other cops out of the room. "It was Jess' aunt, wasn't it," he said, when they had gone. It was not a question.

Sebastian hesitated, then shrugged. No sense in trying to go forward with the charade.

"Yeah, it was her."

"And I take it you don't want to press charges?" Isaac asked as he successfully fought back a grin.

"That would mean she'd have to stay here in L.A. for the duration of the trial," Sebastian replied.

"So that's a no. All right, I'll see what I can do. I'll let you know how it works out when I come by with Raina and the others later on," he said, turning to leave.

He paused at the door and turned back to Sebastian with a smile. "By the way, congratulations," he said, and left.

Sebastian wasn't sure what he meant by that, but before he could really wonder about it, he felt the warm pressure on his hand increase, and turned to see what it was. He saw right away that it was another hand, but it took him a moment to realize that the hand was attached to another person, and then another to realize that this person was both female, blonde, and wearing the ring he'd gotten for Jessica. It was a few moments after that that his recently-jarred brain was able to add these facts together and come up with the conclusion that Jessica Devlin was holding his hand. The realization hit him harder than Sophie Talbot's Bible.

Slowly, a grin that would rival that of any sea-dwelling shark began to spread over his face, and he vowed then and there that he would never, ever let Jessica live this down. To his eternal delight, she began to stir, and soon her eyes fluttered open.

"Good morning, beautiful!" he said cheerfully, his pain momentarily forgotten.

Jessica instantly jerked her head around to look for the source of the disquieting words, then emitted a gasp of pain. Her grip on Sebastian's hand tightened like a vice, eliciting a grunt from him as well.

"Sorry," she hissed when she finally caught her breath, though she was not yet sure what she was apologizing for.

"It's okay, just let go!" he yelped.

She quirked an eyebrow at him in confusion, then, as realization began to dawn, she glanced down at their still-joined hands. With a speed that was quite surprising, given her condition, Jessica yanked her hand back and stared at it in horror.

"Shit, no one saw that, right?" she asked in a panic.

"Just Isaac and some cops, maybe a few nurses," he replied, wincing as he cradled his own battered hand.

Jessica paled. "Please tell me you're kidding," she begged.

"Yeah, no."

"Shit, shit, shit!" she moaned, raking her fingers through her hair in frustration.

"C'mon, Jess, everyone knew you were bound to succumb to my good looks and charm eventually," he teased.

"This isn't funny, Sebastian. We've got a big problem on our hands," she said urgently.

"What, because a few people saw us hold hands? Don't you think you're over-reacting a little-"

"We're married," she interrupted.

He snorted in amusement, causing her to scowl. This was _not_ the response she'd been aiming for.

"Are you still tripping on your pain meds or something?" he asked. "'Cause in case you don't remember, that wedding was a farce to get rid of Aunt Bitch, though I can understand why you'd want to believe you're married to me."

Jessica sighed angrily and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Sebastian, those papers we signed…the whole thing was legal. And binding. Warren was kind enough to tell me so before he left. I tried to call you and tell you, but-"

"But I was too busy getting the shit kicked out of me by an old lady," he finished, his face paling as the realization sunk in.

They both fell silent as they tried to figure out what to do next. Finally, Sebastian rallied and spoke up.

"Okay. This isn't the end of the world. All we have to do is either find a judge who doesn't hate us too much to agree to grant us an annulment, or we find a way to blackmail Warren into doing so. No one else has to know," he said resolutely.

"Everyone knows," Jessica replied.

Sebastian's shoulders sagged in resignation. He sighed. "Of course they do."

"Still, I think we should go ahead with your plan as soon as possible. No offense, but I think it's the only way to salvage what little reputation I have left," she said.

"None taken. It's a fair point," he acknowledged. "Besides, this hurts my reputation, too."

This got a laugh out of her. "How? Everyone knows you've been dying to get in my pants for nearly seventeen years. If anything, it'll boost your rep," she said defensively.

"True, but I can't have people thinking I'm the marrying type, when I'm very clearly not. Learned that the hard way," he replied, sounding entirely too cheerful for Jessica's taste.

"Don't let Claire hear you say that," she said irritably.

"Ha! She'd be the first one to agree with me," he replied, relishing her frustration.

"About what?" asked Claire as she strolled into the room, carrying an arrangement of peace lilies and followed by Julie, who was holding what looked like a couple of homemade greeting cards.

"That I'm not made for marriage," he said breezily.

"Psh. You're telling me," she replied, rolling her eyes.

She set the lilies on Jessica's bedside table, then turned and placed a hand on her good shoulder. She smiled at the other woman sympathetically.

"I was so sorry to hear about your injury, your aunt, and your wedding. If there's anything I can do for you, please let me know," she said sincerely, giving Jessica's shoulder an encouraging squeeze.

"Thanks," Jessica said wryly.

"It figures that when you finally got remarried, it was an accident," Julie said to her father.

"Yup," said Jessica, as Claire nodded in agreement.

"Oh, sure, gang up on the guy who just got beat up by an old lady," he groused half-heartedly.

"Seriously though, what are you going to do?" asked Claire.

Both Sebastian and Jessica considered this for a moment.

"I think we should ask Madeleine for help," Sebastian said finally. "She'd never pass up the opportunity to have us owe her."

"And if anyone on our team is capable of convincing a judge to help us, it'd be her. And Danny, but I'm still not talking to him," she added.

"Now wait a minute. Put aside your grudge for a moment and think about it. The two of them working together have a much greater chance for success than Madeleine alone, and besides, can you think of a better way for Danny to finally make this up to you? And really, hasn't he been punished enough anyway? For God's sake, _he went to lunch with Aunt Sophie at your behest._ I'm pretty sure that falls under cruel and unusual punishments."

"Well, all right," Jessica replied after a moment's pause. "But I seem to remember you saying something along the lines of how sexy I was as I sent Danny out on that little excursion."

This earned knowing giggles from Claire and Julie, who had sat back to enjoy the show.

"Yes, and I stand by what I said," Sebastian said. "But you've got to admit, that was a really harsh punishment. It's not as if he fell on you on purpose, you know."

Jessica sighed and hung her head as much as her injuries would allow. "You're right. I shouldn't have even been so hard on him to begin with, much less sent him out alone with Aunt Sophie. I guess it's my turn to apologize to him."

"And the nurses?" asked Sebastian.

Jessica scowled. "They had it coming."

"But-" he began.

"They know what they did," she snapped.

And that was the end of that line of conversation.

Claire cleared her throat, shooting a nervous look at Jessica as she did so. "So, about the plan?" 

Sebastian and Jessica exchanged glances.

"I'll get on the phone with Madeleine," said Jessica crisply. "You should call Danny and see if he's up to helping out after what he did to his hand. We'll tell them to start digging up any information they can on Cleary that may prove useful in persuading him to grant us an annulment."

"Anything we can do?" Julie asked eagerly.

"Nothing that I can think of," said Jessica.

"Keep your fingers crossed for us," added Sebastian. "Danny and Madeleine are our only hope at this point. Raina and Isaac sure as hell aren't going to help us."

"How come?" Julie asked, cocking her head to the side.

"Well, for one thing, I owe Isaac way too much already," he began.

"And for another, Raina refuses to be involved in anything that seems remotely underhanded," Jessica finished.

"Also, they're having way too much fun at our expense," she added.

"Yeah, that too," he said, nodding.

Julie and her mother stared at them, bemused.

"Has anyone ever told you how screwed-up your lives are?" Julie asked.

"You do every day," Sebastian replied.

"True," said Julie, grinning.

"If you're done," Jessica said, "I'm going to go ahead and call Madeleine."

She grabbed her phone and hit Madeleine's speed dial. When it was answered, Jessica skipped the greeting and launched straight into the explanation of what she wanted her to do, with scattered promises that it all would be made worth Madeleine's while.

Madeleine, for her part, listened eagerly for her chance to butt in and tell her that, in anticipation of such orders, she had already dug up a particular file on Cleary, one that would ensure his swift return to the hospital to grant the unhappy couple an annulment.

"Jess…Jess!" she cut in over Jessica's offering of first chair for the next five cases.

"Of course I have complete confidence in your abilities, and there's no question that you're ready-I'm sorry. You were saying?" said Jessica upon realizing that Madeleine was trying to get a word in edgewise.

"I was trying to say that I anticipated your request and already found some dirt on Cleary. He bought a house in Costa Rica with taxpayer dollars. Danny and I are going to go confront him about this and with any luck, he'll be declaring your marriage null and void before dinnertime," she finished smugly.

"I love you so much right now," Jessica said as relief washed over her.

"Don't I wish," Madeleine replied wistfully.

Jessica laughed and exchanged goodbyes with Madeleine, then hung up. She turned as much as her shoulder would allow and grinned at her companions.

"Judge Cleary's been a naughty boy," she said cheerfully.

"That's wonderful!" Claire replied sincerely. "I'm so happy for you!"

"Well, it was fun while it lasted," Julie sighed.

Sebastian sagged with relief. "I've never been so happy about judicial corruption," he said, then paused, remembering the time he'd arrested a judge during a court session. "Well, except maybe for that one time," he amended.

At this point neither he nor Jessica could have cared less if Judge Cleary had been murdering people, as long as he could be blackmailed into undoing the damage he'd done. For his part, Sebastian hadn't realized how much he appreciated the freedom of being single until he was suddenly, forcibly deprived of it, and though he didn't think he'd be up to dating anytime soon, it made him more comfortable to know that it was always an option. Jessica, meanwhile, just wanted to forget that the whole mess had ever happened and focus on regaining the use of her right arm.

Ten minutes later, Jessica's cell phone rang again. She checked the caller ID and smiled. It was Cleary.

"Hello," she said cheerfully.

"I'll be over with the papers in ten, just call off your dogs!" he begged.

"Consider them called off. It's been a pleasure doing business with you," she replied, and hung up.


End file.
